No I Didn't Die

I fell into a state of fear about 3 weeks before the Peachtree Road Race. I can only describe it as fear as I don't know what else to call it. It's not like I was headed toward an Iron Man or some epic challenge for the ages, but I truly faced that 10k like it was going to defeat me.
I was afraid of it.
I hadn't felt afraid. I was increasing my distance slowly, I knew what to do kinda, to get my endurance up. To be fair I didn't know what the fuck I was doing but really, I felt like I could do it. I felt like I was gonna make it happen if I just kept training.
Then I ran 4 miles a couple of times and realized I had to go another 2 beyond that and I panicked.

I also didn't tell anybody, which was stupid.

I didn't train enough. I didn't come prepared. I didn't tell anyone and then there I was on Peachtree Road in stall T and I was fucked. I had to run.

I don't know why I left fear get ahold of me like that, except that this was the biggest thing I had ever done.

Dune is right. Fear is the mindkiller.

So I faced it and I finished. I wanted to end the race feeling good but how I ended the race was in heatstroke. Or a near one. I didn't expect to finish with an awesome time, but I also didn't expect to feel like I was gonna die when it was over and just to want to be done and never do it again.

My goal was to feel good when I finished and I failed spectacularly at that. I just wanted to finish and not lay down and die when it was over and I nearly damn well did.

The beers at Mile 2 might NOT have been the best idea.

All that brings me to where I am, finally emotionally divorced from that failure. It doesn't feel like a failure now. Now it feels like a thing I learned. Weirdly, despite not really training any more right now than I did then, I feel like I could run that race now. Now I know in my mind what's going to be required, and I'm not afraid of it.

It will be long and parts of it will suck. But then it will end, and it will be another thing I have done. I It will be another thing I was strong enough to do.

It took me a while to not only face my own fear, and what went wrong, but to realize how much further down the path I am having had that experience.

I hate running.

I fucking love running.