Know Thyself
So yeah I've been lazy about writing but life has been busy. I can say I've kinda been without a good goal and adrift kinda being a bum without clear miles goals each week and I need to change that. I've got two 5ks on my calendar and nothing else of note so I should probably change that.
I've got some goals that I'm not really big on sharing, because I feel kind of stupid about. I feel stupid because FRANKLY they're way over my head and beyond my skill level.
I want to start training for triathlon.
That's dumb because I run like shit and I don't have a bike or ANY of the gear. I'm not sure I can ever do more than a sprint, honestly and probably really only a super sprint. I want, however, to do a half iron man.
Crazy right? It's something I WANT. I want to prove I can do it. I want to BE THAT STRONG. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because I can't do it. Maybe it's because so many of my friends can. I'm not sure why and I'm not there yet so let's just let that dream die on the vine anyway for now.
But here is the thing I want to talk about, or vent about or whatever. You aren't fat. Let me explain.
Yesterday I was scrolling through some information about event categories for triathlon events. Why? Well, I wanted to know if I HAD to race in Athena (fat girl) class. The thing is, you see, I don't WANT to race in Athena class. I know that in my age group class will be athletes in finer form, stronger, possibly never fat in their lives people. I don't care. I don't want to do well "for a fat girl". I just want to do how I do, for me. I don't want a medal because I'm the only fat girl who showed up.
I would rather be last, but me, undefined by such things.
I don't feel disdain for those who are comfortable with running in weight classes vs age - it just makes me feel categorized and diminished and I don't like it. Thus, I went online to find out if I HAVE to race in such a class. It seems like no I don't so that's good.
But the reason I sat down to write was this whole OTHER thing I ran into, was bloggers writing about "they aren't ashamed to run in Athena class, and then citing their weight - AS THOUGH THEY ARE OBESE. "I am not ashamed to say I weigh 165" ummmm, I HAVE almost 100 pounds on you omg are you five feet tall?
This is what I find as I look across various fitness blogs, people PRETENDING to be overweight. Now, I'm not saying they might not need to lose, get more fit etc - except that when you look at these people, they look pretty damn fit. Maybe they aren't as lean as they want to be. If I weight 165 pounds, first of all I would be SKINNY AS FUCK. Probably to the point that people would tell me to eat a sandwich. Secondly, it's as though some people want to pretend to be truly FAT as some weird false modesty. I know several people with very real eating disorders and this isn't how they present themselves.
Stop pretending to be fat.
Just fucking stop.
I get it, we live in a society that makes NONE of us feel as good as we should about our bodies. We are insecure, we feel shame, we feel sad about how we look. Even girls in great shape feel body shamed by fashion, Instagram and mean girls. It's HARD. Everyone FEELS fat. But if you're going to present yourself as a fitness person - someone sharing a fitness journey who's going to encourage others to come along, how are you doing that if you are 7% body fat and presenting yourself as fat? HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE REST OF US FEEL?
Like abject fucking failures that's how it feels, in case you were wondering sunshine. You aren't encouraging us when you denigrate your own IN SHAPE appearance as not good enough. If you aren't good enough omg what are we?
It's one thing to say "I'm not at my goal" but it's just totally different to act like you're bonding with the fatties to say you weigh 165.
You aren't bonding with us. We kind of hate you, sorry. You don't know what it's like to be us and apparently you never will.
Here is how you know you're overweight - ask yourself this question. Walk by 10 clothing stores in your mall. If more than 2 of them carry your size, you aren't fat. At the mall where I live, there is probably 1 and then the department stores have a fine assortment of shitty clothes that make me look like a dowdy frump. I can go to stores outside the mall.
In my own life I'm teetering worlds. I have some tee shirts that are XL from the REGULAR side of the store at Target. Do you know what that means? I haven't worn clothes from the REGULAR side of any store in 20 years. I also have some size 20 pants that are starting to slip and get loose. I have 18s that are doing the same.
I'm not there, on the other side, I'm straddling both worlds.
What will I do differently if I ever get to that place? The place where I can just walk into a shop at the mall and not worry because they'll have my size? I hope I don't take it for granted. I hope I don't call myself FAT. I hope I understand that if I do - I'm diminishing someone else's struggle.
I don't know if I'll get there or if I won't. I just know I don't want to make other people feel bad, not the way I feel bad when I see these things.
Today I'm "less fat" but I'm still fat. I look better, but not how I want to look. I'm also aware I may never LOOK HOW I WANT TO LOOK but looking better - is BETTER right? I know I don't give myself enough credit.
But seriously if anyone ever hears my talking about weighing 165 like I'm owning some shame or some shit, please give me a boot to the head.
And no, I'm never going in Athena class. Fuck that fat girl category.
I've got some goals that I'm not really big on sharing, because I feel kind of stupid about. I feel stupid because FRANKLY they're way over my head and beyond my skill level.
I want to start training for triathlon.
That's dumb because I run like shit and I don't have a bike or ANY of the gear. I'm not sure I can ever do more than a sprint, honestly and probably really only a super sprint. I want, however, to do a half iron man.
Crazy right? It's something I WANT. I want to prove I can do it. I want to BE THAT STRONG. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because I can't do it. Maybe it's because so many of my friends can. I'm not sure why and I'm not there yet so let's just let that dream die on the vine anyway for now.
But here is the thing I want to talk about, or vent about or whatever. You aren't fat. Let me explain.
Yesterday I was scrolling through some information about event categories for triathlon events. Why? Well, I wanted to know if I HAD to race in Athena (fat girl) class. The thing is, you see, I don't WANT to race in Athena class. I know that in my age group class will be athletes in finer form, stronger, possibly never fat in their lives people. I don't care. I don't want to do well "for a fat girl". I just want to do how I do, for me. I don't want a medal because I'm the only fat girl who showed up.
I would rather be last, but me, undefined by such things.
I don't feel disdain for those who are comfortable with running in weight classes vs age - it just makes me feel categorized and diminished and I don't like it. Thus, I went online to find out if I HAVE to race in such a class. It seems like no I don't so that's good.
But the reason I sat down to write was this whole OTHER thing I ran into, was bloggers writing about "they aren't ashamed to run in Athena class, and then citing their weight - AS THOUGH THEY ARE OBESE. "I am not ashamed to say I weigh 165" ummmm, I HAVE almost 100 pounds on you omg are you five feet tall?
This is what I find as I look across various fitness blogs, people PRETENDING to be overweight. Now, I'm not saying they might not need to lose, get more fit etc - except that when you look at these people, they look pretty damn fit. Maybe they aren't as lean as they want to be. If I weight 165 pounds, first of all I would be SKINNY AS FUCK. Probably to the point that people would tell me to eat a sandwich. Secondly, it's as though some people want to pretend to be truly FAT as some weird false modesty. I know several people with very real eating disorders and this isn't how they present themselves.
Stop pretending to be fat.
Just fucking stop.
I get it, we live in a society that makes NONE of us feel as good as we should about our bodies. We are insecure, we feel shame, we feel sad about how we look. Even girls in great shape feel body shamed by fashion, Instagram and mean girls. It's HARD. Everyone FEELS fat. But if you're going to present yourself as a fitness person - someone sharing a fitness journey who's going to encourage others to come along, how are you doing that if you are 7% body fat and presenting yourself as fat? HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE REST OF US FEEL?
Like abject fucking failures that's how it feels, in case you were wondering sunshine. You aren't encouraging us when you denigrate your own IN SHAPE appearance as not good enough. If you aren't good enough omg what are we?
It's one thing to say "I'm not at my goal" but it's just totally different to act like you're bonding with the fatties to say you weigh 165.
You aren't bonding with us. We kind of hate you, sorry. You don't know what it's like to be us and apparently you never will.
Here is how you know you're overweight - ask yourself this question. Walk by 10 clothing stores in your mall. If more than 2 of them carry your size, you aren't fat. At the mall where I live, there is probably 1 and then the department stores have a fine assortment of shitty clothes that make me look like a dowdy frump. I can go to stores outside the mall.
In my own life I'm teetering worlds. I have some tee shirts that are XL from the REGULAR side of the store at Target. Do you know what that means? I haven't worn clothes from the REGULAR side of any store in 20 years. I also have some size 20 pants that are starting to slip and get loose. I have 18s that are doing the same.
I'm not there, on the other side, I'm straddling both worlds.
What will I do differently if I ever get to that place? The place where I can just walk into a shop at the mall and not worry because they'll have my size? I hope I don't take it for granted. I hope I don't call myself FAT. I hope I understand that if I do - I'm diminishing someone else's struggle.
I don't know if I'll get there or if I won't. I just know I don't want to make other people feel bad, not the way I feel bad when I see these things.
Today I'm "less fat" but I'm still fat. I look better, but not how I want to look. I'm also aware I may never LOOK HOW I WANT TO LOOK but looking better - is BETTER right? I know I don't give myself enough credit.
But seriously if anyone ever hears my talking about weighing 165 like I'm owning some shame or some shit, please give me a boot to the head.
And no, I'm never going in Athena class. Fuck that fat girl category.
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